Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Frivolous Purchase of the Week: Outdated Celebrity Statues from The Hollywood Wax Museum


Today, I read that The Hollywood Wax Museum is auctioning off more than 200 wax figures, props and original costumes. I'll be headed over that way tonight when I go see State of Play (despite, not because of, Russell Crowe), and it's going to take every fiber of self-control that I can muster (which is less than you will find in a bowl of Shredded Wheat) not to run over and purchase a lifesize, waxy statue of The Fonz. And Laverne. And Shirley.


waxfonzlavshirl

Once there, I don't think I would have the will to walk away from Hee Haw's Minnie Pearl (who, without her famous straw hat, looks more like Don Knotts in drag).


waxminniepearl

As I scrolled through the list of auction items, I couldn't help but think of my friends and family, and how much all of them needed these wax figures in their homes too.


If money were no object, I would purchase the following:


Sonny Crockett, for my mother (she always liked how Don Johnson tongued his cigarettes on Miami Vice):


waxcrockett

John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, for Buddy:


waxtravolta

Dolly Parton, for Patti (Doesn't Dolly look like Candy Spelling here, and isn't it disturbing to see royalty going barefoot?)


waxdolly

Zombie Michael Jackson from the "Thriller" video for Stacie:


waxmichael

Mr. T for my brother, Frank (when he was a kid, he wanted to be Mr. T)


waxmrt

Jodie Foster in Maverick for Nancylee and Paige (because they need more Western-themed shit at their house)


waxjodie

Also available on the auction block are statues of Ann Margaret (looking more like Laura Linney after falling into a bottle of Nice 'N Easy Medium Mousey Brown), a whole slew of U.S. presidents, athletes, and a bunch of religious crap.


There's also a really butch-looking version of Princess Diana. I would get that one for my wife, though I don't think I'd leave her alone with it.


waxprincessdiana

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Sagittarius For a Week


I'm conducting a new experiment that begins tonight. It's called "Being a Sagittarius For a Week."

I have always had Sag best friends who know how to have fun, chill the fuck out, and take life with a come-what-may attitude. I envy and admire them for these qualities.

So I decided over dinner (and 2 margaritas) that I need to try to take the Sag approach to life. I suspect that this will be a short-term experiment, as I am too uptight and outcome-oriented to carry on this charade (pronounced Sha-Rahd) for very long. A week seems do-able though.

So here's a tip of my hat to all of the freewheeling Sag's whose bad attitudes I admire: Buddy, Liz, Double D, Lance, Paige, my grandmother Strickie, Keith Richards, Tina Turner, Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix, Billy Idol, Flip Wilson, Ellen Burstyn, Gregg Allman, Jim Morrison, Christina Aguilera, Milla Jovovich, Little Richard, Sinead O'Connor, Anna Nicole Smith, Billy Strayhorn and Marisa Tomei.

Bottoms up, bitches!

keith